When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an