To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My background check bounced.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”