You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
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[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Body by Oreos
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.