if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I love the honesty
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook