Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe