30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
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(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
🤣dope
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read