“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
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“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
sir, my pâté if you please
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.