Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Google assistant rules
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.