*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”