How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Life is a suicide mission.
I’m calling the cops.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
me after drinking all the wine:
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs