As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
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I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
gentlemen, hear me out
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle