If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
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Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My Sentiments Exactly
This is what makes twitter great
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.