(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
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employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Solving a traffic jam
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.