Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
This is why I hate group projects
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Matt Goss
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.