I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed