Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I think about this a lot
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*