Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday