[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
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Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”