Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
No, he would not have.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?