Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
When I said I liked it rough.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.