If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
You Might Also Like
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I forgot how to panic. Help
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*