Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
S M O L
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.