“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
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Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Not all heroes wear capes….
Mood.. 😂
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
how much for the angry fruit?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.