[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet