Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
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Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”