“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken