neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
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how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
#ProTip
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?