My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
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Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
181.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger