*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
#TopTip
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato