They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
He wanted to make sure😂