I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
You Might Also Like
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
fixed it
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.