152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
You Might Also Like
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
My work here is don’t.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?