him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
#damn
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!