Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
You Might Also Like
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT