The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
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Whisper out to librarians!
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.