Never ghost your hitman.
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I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
welp
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Tier 3 meme
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.