[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Möther may I have a snäck
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
concern
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses