[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
*bites zombie*
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place