[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
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scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.