Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
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Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk