5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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Google Pay be like:
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.