This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
be careful
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
The struggle is real
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”