Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
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Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Okay
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”