drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
WTF
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.