ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.