Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
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Stephen King ruined corn children for me
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Woke up against my better judgment again
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.