The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]