Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
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I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.