The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
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[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
A short story about romance.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”