Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
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INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Shortcut
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.